Who am I anymore?

God has been doing some serious work in my heart over the past 6 months.

I was sitting in bed last night reflecting back on all the huge changes that have taken place over these months, but really over this last year and a half of living in New England! He brought us out to this place we hadn’t ever been, Jacob began his first ministry job, then I began my first ministry job and quit my day job, and a few months later found out we were pregnant.

Growing up, I often wouldn’t try new things or play sports with friends because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good at them. I didn’t want to do anything I wasn’t good at because I felt like that changed my value as a person. (Yikes, I know.) Through college and post graduation, God has been working that need for others’ approval and need to be successful out of me. He’s been teaching me that first and foremost I am his beloved child and that is all the definition of myself I need to feel valued.

As an adult, though, I still fall in to similar traps. My job defines who I am – am I proud of it? My husband’s job defines who he is – is he appreciated? Are we doing work that matters? What I do in my free time defines who I am – musician, writer, reader. Having a baby changes who we are becoming – mother and father. I have let all of these things, which are very subject to change at all times, define who I am. And I think that’s why becoming a mother is so scary to me – it is changing the way I define myself. I will no longer be the young, married without kids worship pastor guitar lady who sings too much. I will be all of those things except also a mom who has a child to consider in how she spends her time.

As soon as I think I’ve got my feet underneath me and I’m ready to tackle what’s been thrown at us, God reminds me he’s in control and he’s the one who holds us up. No matter how many of our roles change throughout life, he remains the same and we can stand firm in being his children.

So I’m making a declaration here. God, we’re in this together and I’m looking to you to lead us to what matters most. I’m so glad we aren’t in this alone.