A slice of my heart in this newborn world of ours

 
Being a mom has rocked my world – little Adeline has stolen our hearts and has us eating out of her teeny tiny little hands. (You can read her birth story here!) Our lives have changed so drastically in the last three weeks, but I can’t imagine it any other way. 

Most days and nights consist largely of the same thing – feedings, sleeping in intervals and changing what feels like a million diapers – but I’ve loved every minute. 

I can’t get enough of the newborn cuddles and giggling with Jacob at all her facial expressions and noises. Watching him be a dad has transformed my world in a way I didn’t know was possible. What they say is totally true – you feel love in an entirely new and different way once you’ve had a child, and watching my husband with her is like falling in love with him over and over again. 

But truthfully, motherhood has also been incredibly hard. 

Since we are breastfeeding, I am the sole provider of food for Adeline, which means I’m at her beckon call to eat at all hours of the day and night. I’ve adjusted fairly well to the lack of sleep/increments of sleep, but I have my moments y’all. 

It’s easy to sink into bitterness in the wee hours of the morning because I have to be up whenever she needs me and Jacob does not. And, believe me, he helps so much! He gets up to change her, rock her, hold her when she just won’t sleep, etc… But the truth is, he can’t feed her (yet – I need to work on pumping so he can!). 

So in those moments I want to resent him because he can sleep or watch TV in peace, I have to choose to remember these moments are fleeting. The way she wraps her little hand around my finger and looks at me while she eats is absolutely heart-melting. I love every second of it, and these days are already numbered. 

I’m learning that parenthood is a long journey of sacrificing myself over and over again, much like marriage – but kind of harder in this sleep deprived stage at least 😉 – and I’m trying to learn to sacrifice joyfully. 

Jacob, I love you and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for dealing so patiently with my grouchy self at all hours of the day, but especially in the middle of the night. Thank you for holding her at 3am so I can sleep in peace and waking up with me all throughout the night. Thank you for the endless treks to get me water, more diapers and fresh clothes at 4am. You are an awesome dad and a sweet husband. 

Adeline, I love you, too, sweet girl. And I’m so grateful for all the cuddly moments we get together and I hope you’ll let that continue for a long time. I love being your mama and am incredibly grateful that God gifted you to us in this life. I plan on soaking up every waking moment with you and cheering you on as you discover who you are. You are beautiful, baby girl. 

  • I agree… it’s so incredibly hard, and you have to make very deliberate choices sometimes to be positive!

    But… I do have to say… you CAN know love before (or without) having a child. To say that you don’t know love until you’ve had a child is to say that someone who doesn’t have kids will never know love. My love for Abbie and Sam is a new, different kind of love, for sure, but no “more” or “more real” than my love for Ethan, Charley, or my best friends.

    • I totally agree Katie – that was poor wording on my part!! I wrote this late last night and should have re-read this morning to catch that with a less foggy brain!;) I have updated it to say more of what I meant – that you feel love in a new and different way once you’ve had a child… And to me that was a way I didn’t know could even exist!!:)

  • I can imagine it would be so difficult to not be resentful. But you get the special moments with her, and that mother’s bond that only a mama gets. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, but how you end positively. 🙂

    • Soooo true!! And that’s what I remind myself when I’m so sleepy I can hardly sit up!;) I know these moments are so fleeting and I don’t want to waste them wishing them away! They are too precious.

  • Thank you for being honest about motherhood. I think it’s so important to celebrate the little moments but still acknowledge the hard stuff because no matter what is going on in life there will be amazing, heart-melting moments and there will also be struggles. <3

    • I completely agree :). It wouldn’t be a true picture of anything if we only shared the positive sides of things… Although, even the “negative” things I expressed in this post have helped me to grow as a mom already!! So I’d almost still call that positive 😉 ha! Thanks for your encouragement, Donna!!!

  • This is beautiful, and I love that you are trying to enjoy this stage, even when you are the only one who can feed her. We finally got my girl to take a bottle, but sometimes it’s still easier for me to feed her in the middle of the night, and I’m trying to just enjoy the snuggles!

    • Thanks, Callie!! I finally tried the pump today so we will try a bottle soon! I’m excited for Jacob to have the chance to feed her since it’s such a good experience for me (when it’s not the middle of the night ;)). I’m definitely grateful for that time to snuggle, though.. it will be over before I know it! She’s growing so fast.

  • Congratulations!!! How did I miss that she’d arrived already?! Motherhood is hard but oh so rewarding. To be blessed with a husband who helps out wherever he can is priceless, and I’m so glad that you have that. Enjoy these wonderful newborn moments!!!

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